Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Survivor of Suicides continue on…..

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2017 by HowlingFire

Today is the anniversary of Bubba’s passing, fifteen years ago today. So long….and yet like it was just yesterday.

Our daughter reisded with him, he was the primary residence.  I was living in Portland, I had found a cool roommate, just broken off a four year relationship and was throwing myself into USM culture, classes, working at the Bookstore and the Women’s Resource Center, as well as Chair of the Pagan Students Association and a Student Senator.  I had just joined a roll playing game, was just starting to date again and was looking forward to a different chapter of my life.
I had never stopped loving Bubba.  I was just not well enough to take care of our daughter and myself to stay married to him.  I was pretty messed up when we were married from a previously very abusive relationship.  Bubba was generous, sweet and kind.  These things I was not so used to.
So, I had never given up on the idea that we may get back together…..someday.   He was in the process of his second divorce and looking for a home for him, our daughter, and his son.  We had just talked the night before and he was coming to Portland to pick up our daughter and we could all go out for lunch.   Our daughter was with me for the Summer, staying at the cute bungalow I had rented us rooms in with that cool roommate I mentioned.
It was such a horrible, horrible day.  Not that the coming days, months and years were any less sad.  But I had to tell my daughter her father was dead.
Within weeks I had moved us up north near Bangor, where they were living, and our daughter was going to school.  I stayed with his Mother while I found us an apartment.  I found one, not the safest building, but there wasn’t many choices.
I had left school, my friends, my future to make sure our daughter could keep her friends, be closer to her family and continue in the same school.  I worked hard to make sure she had family and support.
From there on, my goal was her well being.  My only child in so much pain, I could do nothing else.  My life went on hold.

Time Travel

Posted in Uncategorized on July 13, 2017 by HowlingFire

He saves me again……and again….and….

Posted in Uncategorized on July 3, 2017 by HowlingFire



Posted in Uncategorized on July 1, 2017 by HowlingFire

She pulled back the heavy black curtains, the sun so bright it shocked her eyes for a moment.

Ah, hell, it was a dream.  The aching and sadness crept back into her heart.  I was light for a while, she remembered, free from care, surrounded by Love. Then she woke….

Wishing it was raining, it would fit the mood better, she thought.  I wouldn’t regret, so much, hiding here in my cool, dark cave. Escaping into a book, or sewing her way through the day.

But, facing the morning was a must, time to gather the water, time to check the food stores, and make some thick, black coffee.

The embers of the fire from the night before, still warm. This brought a sense of elation, at least getting a fire going will be easy, she thought.  Tossing bright orange brittle pine needles into the pit, they soon ignited and coffee would soon be on it’s way.  Some days, it was the only thing she had any feelings for at all.  The dark, thick, hot liquid filled her, opened her lungs and gave some sense of living, after all.

Anniversary of Initiation

Posted in Uncategorized on June 17, 2017 by HowlingFire

Hard to believe it has been 8 years.


Posted in Uncategorized on May 22, 2017 by HowlingFire

Well, yeah so Odin.

I personally refer to him as Woden, or He Who Comforts Me.

It was almost ten years now when he sent one of “His”, people into my life.  Now mind you I had Heathens in my life before that.  But at that point in my life, my daughter had gone of to college and I had some making up of time to do.

I knew he was around, and I purposefully kept him out of my line of sight.

So, six years later…..

Here I sit, my small humble desk facing the window, the small tree leafing outside of it.

“You know I helped before” he whispers.

Yes, yes, you did.  For the work I put in, I did make amends for my misdeeds, through your eyes.  I did Serve “the ones you favored”, and hold public events.   I learned, I grew, I struggled, seeking heart and home.  I wandered, I bleed, I hurt, I was robbed, tossed aside and I grew immensely!   I made a home of a gilded cage, carried water, chopped wood.  Lived surrounded by forest, surrounded by danger,  living off grid.

So I feel as though I have surrendered, last Fall I hit another low, or was it a stepping stone?   Still working my way through that.

So as I lay, watching the rain on the fresh green leaves….I wonder, I dream, I remember. They say you should not look back, but look forward.  I only have glimpses of forward.   Like removing a tick, I think I poisoned myself when I extracted myself wrongly from the situation.  So, healing has been long.

So, I feel as though I am being offered a rehabilitation of sorts.  The trick of it is, to answer the daily call.  Dang, I really could use a drill Sargent!  Self discipline is not my strongest attribute.  I can see why having an outside force moves me so much farther than on my own.  I had a Sensei, of sorts, and I much appreciated being pushed and being seen as strong.   I need to be my own, drill sargent, as it were.   The whiny voice”we can’t do that”, ” I don’t wanna”.  Man I really hate that voice.   I try to have compassion for the voice in my head, but sometimes I am just mean to it. I am seeking the answer for this inner conflict.

So….In Service to the Old Man, means I need to be physically strong.  It means I need to be Magically strong.

I have spend the past four years, clearing my Wyrd.  Building my Hamingja, making amends and restoring my Honor.

Now, I know what I must do.  Now I just must do it.

Talking with the Old Man

Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2017 by HowlingFire

Once again, I turn to him

“I could really use some help”

I know, I have been waiting for you to ask

“Could I please get some help, I am just so lost here”

Well, Valkyrie, what do you think?

“I think you have helped me in the past”

What did I ask in return?

“You asked courage, and work”

So are you ready for that again?

“Yes, Yes I am”

Then you know what to do, don’t you?

“Yes, Yes I do”

Then get to it Woman!