Archive for the Uncategorized Category

She could still smell him…..

Posted in Uncategorized on October 11, 2017 by HowlingFire

She could still smell him

After all this time, how could that be?

Ten years gone by now….and still

That moment felt like eternity

But lasted only seconds

But that smell……

She didn’t want to let go.

She still doesn’t

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Living a Dream

Posted in Uncategorized on October 8, 2017 by HowlingFire

Bird Song

Fills the air, Pheobe’s, Blue Jay, Crows ect ect

Loving this moment sitting in my RV…I dreamed this moment as a teenager,

You can have everything, just not all at once, and for varying time periods.

 

 

My days w/o internet

Posted in Uncategorized on September 26, 2017 by HowlingFire

Or  “Facebook Freedom”

So as you can tell, I am back online, here in the Tardis Temple.

I went almost three months without instant access to the internet.  I kind of enjoyed it!

Now that I am back on, I have been for a few weeks, I have made some observations about myself and social medial I wanted to share.

  1. Less anxious about my place in life:  I was not comparing myself to everyone on my feed daily/hourly.  I was just here taking care of my business, homemaking, clearing the land, working on my art ect.    My life and days were full with self, meditation, internal dialogue and Spiritual practice.    Once I got back online, I felt, less than, that I didn’t measure up and more lonely.
  2. Missing out:  I can now see all the things I didn’t get invited to or didn’t attend. This, for me, can be gut wrenching!  When I was a kid I was awkward, asthmatic and heavy.  I did not get invited in general to the Bday parties and sleep overs.  So when I see things I wasn’t invited to I go right back to that place…of being 9, hiding in my closet in tears, sobbing because I was not invited to a Bday party. “What is wrong with me?  Why don’t they like me?”  Those voices playing through my head while watching social media go by. So the little girl in me is sad most of the time.  I do not play with others, in general. No one likes the truth teller.
  3. Getting a “high”, from a “like”.  It is probably the release of dopamine in the brain. But when someone likes my post or responds to it is like a shot of “hey someone likes me.”  When I was off social media….I didn’t care.  I was just here doing my thing, surviving and building a space where I can work my art and be content. Being single and alone most of the time, yes it is nice to be “liked”, but it is not genuine personal contact.  It just fills the need for a short while.
  4. Like Magazines, Social media, just takes up time.  When I was Mothering, a good magazine was helpful to decompress from the day, look at pretty things, read some short articles and maybe find a recipe or craft to work on.   Social media has replaced that.  I used to see it, Facebook, as my friends making their own magazines, as it were, but now knowing what I do about the algorithms it is all just a messed up lie to what I see, brought to me by Facebook, not my friends.
  5. Missing Human Contact: Back in the day, you went to the local bar.  Or I did.  Or I was home alone.  Yes, you could call your friends, have a long conversation.  Otherwise I was trapped at home with my daughter after bedtime.  Now you can roam the world!! Now you can talk with anyone pretty much at any time, including talking to a few people at a time, not just one.    I still miss having a corner bar.

 

In conclustion I realized that as much as I like to keep up with my “freinds”, sometimes it is detrimental to my mental health to try to keep up with the Joneses, and comparing my life to others.  My life is unique, as is everyone’s, but being in Service and living the life of a Gythja, does put me on the edges, and I like it here on the edges.

I have returned, but I have also limited my time.  I do not have a ‘smart phone’, so I can only access social media when I am on my computer, thank the gods!

A Sauna…

Posted in Uncategorized on September 25, 2017 by HowlingFire

Well it is in my Tardis Temple today, and yesterday.

Almost 90 degrees here today at the base of the White Mountains….

I am not accustomed to this so late in the seasons, but I took advantage of it with a meditation in the heat!

 

Miss Ecstasy

Posted in Uncategorized on September 20, 2017 by HowlingFire

“Miss Ecstasy”

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning.  I woke with an aching…

I so miss Ecstasy.

I glimpsed a few moments of it dancing on Friday night.  I can recall the feeling in my body and soul….sheer ecstasy.

I have not had much of this in my life as of late.  Really in the past four years it has been few and far between.  Before that I had many years of almost daily experience in one way or another with my former Partner.

Dancing, for me is a way to Commune with the Gods.  It is a way to Pray and send Love through out the world.  When I am dancing I also picture people all over the world in their local dance clubs doing the same thing we are….Making Love on the Dancefloor.

I have also experienced this feeling of sheer connection when I am singing as well.

Mostly, in my life, this feeling was through sex.  The intimate union of two beings.  I always said if I was in a band I would have ended up fucking everyone.  As my life is, I have had many more than most of Lovers.  Seeking the Ecstatic moment when I was young was pretty much my life’s purpose.

When I found I could get the ‘high’ I was seeking from deep intellectual discussion, Ritual, and meditation.  I did not need the drugs I was using to get to that state.  I did not find intellectual stimulation to the degree I was seeking until I started back at College….again.   I sought it when I was 18, I went to the local University.   But those were not the people I was in class with.  These were the same idiots I was in high school with.

I became a Mom and all of this pretty much went on the back burner.  Yeah, there were drugs and sex and dancing, but the Ecstatic aspect took to the back burner.  I lived very much in the physical realm, I had to, I was a single Mom and worked hard at doing it right and well.  I was still doing my Spiritual Study, having my mind awakened but the deep things would have to wait.

I did get to experience some deep Ecstatic at Rites of Spring.  Dancing round and round the fire with drummers, dancers and chanters until the Sun came up, Communing with the Divine.

 

Hail Frigga! Lovely Hostess

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2017 by HowlingFire

Hail Frigga!

Lady of the Hall!

Keeper of the Keys!

Keeper of Frith!

In your honor; my Home and Hearth in order!

In your honor; living as an Honorable Woman!

In your honor; a welcoming Host!

In your honor; resources used wisely!

Hail Fulla!

Hail the Handmaidens!

Hail the Ladies!

“Men Without Pants Night”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 9, 2017 by HowlingFire

Yup, it;s that time again!  At my local Goth club, this is an annual event.

For me, this was the first night I went in Drag in public.  Let me tell you, man I looked dapper! (In my head I hear hot)  Black pants, pinstriped jacket, tie, and of course a fedora.  Man, I get hot for a nice hat!

I really liked being out and about, being seen.  I, Hi, my name is Alex, have been  hidden within this being for a long  time. It was a blessing to have ‘come out’ and be welcomed and Loved.

The Yin to Yen, Animus to Anima.                                                                                          (wordpress believes that word is spelled incorrectly, btw. )

>I am a gay man trapped in a woman’s body>  I have said this about myself for many years.  I have also asked, why?  I have come up with a few answers, one,  To Be Humbled.

That for certain I have been int his body.  This soft, voluptuous, breasty, bleedy, creatrix of a body.  It has taught me MUCH!!!  Love, loss, honor, redemption, selfishness, ect ect ect…

I am Woman.  I am Man.

But in this lifetime I live in this Female body and I will honor it and those who have come before and those who come after.    Loving the ride, all the way!

Men in skirts, yes please, and fishnets.

But I really want some sock suspenders….