Archive for July, 2017

Survivor of Suicides continue on…..

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2017 by HowlingFire

Today is the anniversary of Bubba’s passing, fifteen years ago today. So long….and yet like it was just yesterday.

Our daughter reisded with him, he was the primary residence.  I was living in Portland, I had found a cool roommate, just broken off a four year relationship and was throwing myself into USM culture, classes, working at the Bookstore and the Women’s Resource Center, as well as Chair of the Pagan Students Association and a Student Senator.  I had just joined a roll playing game, was just starting to date again and was looking forward to a different chapter of my life.
I had never stopped loving Bubba.  I was just not well enough to take care of our daughter and myself to stay married to him.  I was pretty messed up when we were married from a previously very abusive relationship.  Bubba was generous, sweet and kind.  These things I was not so used to.
So, I had never given up on the idea that we may get back together…..someday.   He was in the process of his second divorce and looking for a home for him, our daughter, and his son.  We had just talked the night before and he was coming to Portland to pick up our daughter and we could all go out for lunch.   Our daughter was with me for the Summer, staying at the cute bungalow I had rented us rooms in with that cool roommate I mentioned.
It was such a horrible, horrible day.  Not that the coming days, months and years were any less sad.  But I had to tell my daughter her father was dead.
Within weeks I had moved us up north near Bangor, where they were living, and our daughter was going to school.  I stayed with his Mother while I found us an apartment.  I found one, not the safest building, but there wasn’t many choices.
I had left school, my friends, my future to make sure our daughter could keep her friends, be closer to her family and continue in the same school.  I worked hard to make sure she had family and support.
From there on, my goal was her well being.  My only child in so much pain, I could do nothing else.  My life went on hold.

Time Travel

Posted in Uncategorized on July 13, 2017 by HowlingFire

He saves me again……and again….and….

Posted in Uncategorized on July 3, 2017 by HowlingFire



Posted in Uncategorized on July 1, 2017 by HowlingFire

She pulled back the heavy black curtains, the sun so bright it shocked her eyes for a moment.

Ah, hell, it was a dream.  The aching and sadness crept back into her heart.  I was light for a while, she remembered, free from care, surrounded by Love. Then she woke….

Wishing it was raining, it would fit the mood better, she thought.  I wouldn’t regret, so much, hiding here in my cool, dark cave. Escaping into a book, or sewing her way through the day.

But, facing the morning was a must, time to gather the water, time to check the food stores, and make some thick, black coffee.

The embers of the fire from the night before, still warm. This brought a sense of elation, at least getting a fire going will be easy, she thought.  Tossing bright orange brittle pine needles into the pit, they soon ignited and coffee would soon be on it’s way.  Some days, it was the only thing she had any feelings for at all.  The dark, thick, hot liquid filled her, opened her lungs and gave some sense of living, after all.