Solitude

I stand alone in a quiet house, the only sound is the furnace coming on.  I notice my breath, feel my body, know my heart.

It reminds me of living in the Yurt a few Winters ago….

It was the first Winter I spent without my former Partner/Love and Teacher, in many years.   I was suffering form shock, grief and loneliness.   The Yurt itself was so beautiful.  It sat in the woods in Maine, near Sebago Lake, down a dirt road.   I only had electricity.  No running water, no internet and no phone.   I had a wood stove with plenty of wood I had to carry a short distance from the wood pile.   I had a make shift rest room in the bathroom, since there was no running water.   I had a great gas stove, which made my life there bearable.  Coffee!!!!

I arrived there in late October, and had an interesting experience during November and hunting season.  Being that the walls would not stop a bullet and there were many hunters as well as meth heads in the area.   It was a bit frightening.  Finally hunting season was over, and with some snow on the ground I felt a little safer that no human would make their way to the Yurt in the snow.

December was lovely, I felt a bit safer, it was a fairly warm month and I was preparing for a Yule party.  The Yule was so lovely all decked out for the Holiday.  The inside was ringed with twinkling lights, the small Yule tree twinkled.  I had hung varying pieces of colorful cloth on the inside to help insulate the place and I felt like a Queen.

The solitude was good for my heart as well.   I had time to weep,  go through withdrawals, reflect and just crawl into bed whenever I felt like it. There was no one to judge me or for me to feel judged by.  I had not had that in many years.   My bed was a loft bed, and it was warmer up there.  I had built a  wall of material around the bed as well, so it was toasty.  I spent a lot of time there, reading, binge watching shows I had downloaded, sleeping and grieving.

I was not very well, I was eating too much sugar, drinking too much alcohol and barely eating.  I kind of just hid there in the Maine woods, occasionally venturing into the city, or off to Pittsburgh to visit my lover.  Thank the gods(Odin in particular, and Frey) for him, he literally saved me and helped me to get through that very trying time.

My solitude was healing, but when the cold harsh aspect of Winter hit, I could no longer remain there on my own.  There were many nights of fearful restless sleep, hurt back and knees from lugging water and wood, and a deep desire for a hot shower!

Now, I am in a place of solicitude, but comfort.  I am house-sitting for my mother and step father.  It is a lovely small house.  It has all the comforts and is cheap to heat!   I wake each morning to watch the sunrise and crawl into bed early.   I have internet, but no television, which is the way I like it.

I see January as being a “mending month”.  Not only mending clothes, and projects finished, but mending my body, my soul and my spirit.   I have chosen not to date since last March.  I decided to give myself a year of true solitude.  So in these last few months of that time period, I am enjoying knowing myself in a new way.

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