Rivers of dreams and tears…

Manifestation of all you want, is in your hands….

What do you want?

I have been stuck on this one.  What I want, I cannot have.  So then what?     Make a dream, make a goal, but my heart is just not in it.

I have moments of dreaming, visioning, goals, then my heart chimes in with melancholy and grief.  “Don’t anguish”, this was a message sent recently to me from Bubba.  How do I not anguish?  How do I not choke back tears, as I sit alone by candle light watching Netlfix.   How do I feel joy, love, lust again.    I have always been a sad human.  Since I was young I remember finding myself often sad.   I was often alone and sad.   I was pretty much an outsider in my own family, and no one really knew what to do with the asthmatic tearful child.

I have had visions since I can recall.   I would often wander in the woods as a middle school aged girl, I spent lots of time conversing with Indigenous spirits I would come across.  I had vision of the end of days, scary, and intense.   I had vivid dreams and often could not wake myself from them. I was a very religious child.   We were Catholic and I found much comfort not only in my church, but in Jesus and God.   Needless to say, I was an odd child, with very few friends, that other people could see.

So most of my life has been spent in anguish.   It is something I understand.

Probably a reason that I enjoyed my life as a Slave and practicing Dark Eros.  The state of anguish with permission.  The state of anguish asked for and lovingly given was a sense of relief to me.   After the fact, I was releived of the demons of darkness, sadness, for a while.  I had a safe place to cry, weep, and dive into the deep dark wells of my emotional self.  That demanded my attention.

That did not come until much later in my life.   I spent most of my life causing anguish or just living in it from traumatic events.

Not just nature, but nurture.    I was not born this way, maybe I had a genetic component to depression and mental health issues.   But my upbringing and other traumatic events in my young adult life, sexual assault by adults, being beaten and raped on a regular basis by someone who “loved” me and drug abuse, just to name a few.  I also experienced missing time when I was young, a terrifying thing when there is no place that feels safe.  Right now, I sit alone at a friends home in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.   I love it here, one of the few places I feel safe alone.

I think now, that the anguish just drags on in a low grade river.  Slowly eroding away my dreams, and wash away hopes.   Maybe, just maybe, if I brought back Dark Eros into my life…wait no, the intimacy. The safety, the intimacy.  To be held or bound while I cry, while I wail, while I weep.

We did not even touch on my tears for the planet, the humans, the Gods.

I write this for I yearn and strife to understand my Shadow, to understand my hardwiring . the subconscious aspect of self that drives us all.



One Response to “Rivers of dreams and tears…”

  1. Heather Awen Says:

    This may seem like a strange comment because I just started looking at your blog – by the way I don’t follow them because I am so sick so I bookmarked them for when I am feeling better so please don’t be offended that I don’t follow officially – but I have a better understanding of slave if it’s the human type relationship – however my big comment is that the White Mountains are absolutely beautiful – I live in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont so the White Mountains are right there . I don’t know if you have ever gone to the – now I can’t remember the name – Washington Mountain Hotel? It is where Roosevelt Stalin etc. decided how to cut up Europe after World War II . Lunch is relatively cheap and it’s just kind of interesting to be in this beautiful giant ball of hotel in the middle of nowhere that they had to take trains to get to . This really doesn’t address the deeper emotional parts which I am grateful uShare because I feel like a lot of people hide that and how can you talk about spirituality without talking about emotions and the context that creates personality? So it’s really lovely that you will share that stuff because frankly it’s boring to keep reading about people’s interpersonal pagan problems – doing the inner work is much more revolutionary . Because of the bioregional animism I have studied the White Mountains and one thing about this area is that because there was so much mining we really know what kind of stones are under us and it has made me very aware of how those energies affect different people. The West Coast just has far too many EMF’s coming out of the earthquake fault lines – they physically push me away and also hurt a little bit . We are bombarded with so many human created EMFs that the natural ones can be a real problem for many people – usually earthquake fault lines are where people might have ceremonious like near Hills of uranium is the same thing – but you don’t live there. There are some kinds of power you don’t live with – you respectfully visit. Anyway the white mountains obviously have a different Minerrel buildup which is why they are white . There’s actua
    lly older mountains underneath that will remain when the white stuff goes away – the White Mountains are very young. The green mountains are very old. Living between the two it’s pretty easy to feel the difference . This is not meant to be uncaring – I haven’t read more of your blog yet so I’m just commenting on the white mountains – I literally just woke up. 🙂 But I felt less alone with your “like” because being “normal but not average” and having needs that are far outside of the mainstream and desires that are far outside of the mainstream I often feel ashamed in case it makes others feel inferior or jealous – one that’s really their problem . I’m not saying other people are doing it wrong – I’m saying what I want and what I need and it’s hard to get validation for that in general because people are so defensive so thank you. It actually does mean a lot – being completely bedridden with no visitors unfortunately the opinions of absolute strangers who I normally would never think about somehow now has an effect on my emotions sadly.

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