Rivers of dreams and tears…

Manifestation of all you want, is in your hands….

What do you want?

I have been stuck on this one.  What I want, I cannot have.  So then what?     Make a dream, make a goal, but my heart is just not in it.

I have moments of dreaming, visioning, goals, then my heart chimes in with melancholy and grief.  “Don’t anguish”, this was a message sent recently to me from Bubba.  How do I not anguish?  How do I not choke back tears, as I sit alone by candle light watching Netlfix.   How do I feel joy, love, lust again.    I have always been a sad human.  Since I was young I remember finding myself often sad.   I was often alone and sad.   I was pretty much an outsider in my own family, and no one really knew what to do with the asthmatic tearful child.

I have had visions since I can recall.   I would often wander in the woods as a middle school aged girl, I spent lots of time conversing with Indigenous spirits I would come across.  I had vision of the end of days, scary, and intense.   I had vivid dreams and often could not wake myself from them. I was a very religious child.   We were Catholic and I found much comfort not only in my church, but in Jesus and God.   Needless to say, I was an odd child, with very few friends, that other people could see.

So most of my life has been spent in anguish.   It is something I understand.

Probably a reason that I enjoyed my life as a Slave and practicing Dark Eros.  The state of anguish with permission.  The state of anguish asked for and lovingly given was a sense of relief to me.   After the fact, I was releived of the demons of darkness, sadness, for a while.  I had a safe place to cry, weep, and dive into the deep dark wells of my emotional self.  That demanded my attention.

That did not come until much later in my life.   I spent most of my life causing anguish or just living in it from traumatic events.

Not just nature, but nurture.    I was not born this way, maybe I had a genetic component to depression and mental health issues.   But my upbringing and other traumatic events in my young adult life, sexual assault by adults, being beaten and raped on a regular basis by someone who “loved” me and drug abuse, just to name a few.  I also experienced missing time when I was young, a terrifying thing when there is no place that feels safe.  Right now, I sit alone at a friends home in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.   I love it here, one of the few places I feel safe alone.

I think now, that the anguish just drags on in a low grade river.  Slowly eroding away my dreams, and wash away hopes.   Maybe, just maybe, if I brought back Dark Eros into my life…wait no, the intimacy. The safety, the intimacy.  To be held or bound while I cry, while I wail, while I weep.

We did not even touch on my tears for the planet, the humans, the Gods.

I write this for I yearn and strife to understand my Shadow, to understand my hardwiring . the subconscious aspect of self that drives us all.



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